A Resurrection

A Resurrection (R) 2012

Directed by Matt Orlando

Starring:  Mischa Barton, Devon Sawa, Michael Clarke Duncan, J. Michael Trautmann, Stuart Stone, Nick Jandl, Matthew Willig, Alanna Janell, Morgan Wolk and Brenden Meers

Here We Go:  Some creepy kid's brother is killed in a hit-and-run and a group of teens are basically herded together as the possessed body of the dead brother comes back to take his revenge.  What a horribly stupid movie.  There are only a handful of people in the film, which may have saved the production company money but it made the credibility of the movie suffer.  You mean to tell me that ONE sheriff does the work of the entire department?  And students can just be held indefinitely by a school psychologist in a classroom, while the one absurd sheriff goes and talks to a witch?  Sure, why not.  And I guess that's why it makes complete sense that when (spoiler alert) Mischa Barton's character finds someone dead she backs out of the room and freaks out because she can't find her cell phone.  After all, why would ANY of the phones in any of the offices be an option for calling out.  I suppose it's because the ENTIRE town seems to consist of 12 people (all featured in the movie) and she needed to access her address book to find an out-of-towner to come save the day.  One last thing - Mischa Barton can't act and she should focus on learning to do something where she might excel, such as factory work or perhaps something in the realm of becoming a minor league baseball mascot.

Bottom Line:   Skip it!

The Last Exorcism Part II

The Last Exorcism Part II (UR) 2013

Directed by Ed Gass-Donnelly

Starring:  Ashley Bell, Julia Garner, Spencer Treat Clark, David Jensen, Tarra Riggs, Louis Herthum, Muse Watson, Erica Michelle, Andrew Sensenig and Judd Lormand

Here We Go:  This follow-up to The Last Exorcism brings you life for Nell (Bell) after the last movie.  Not a whole lot to say about this movie.  The Part I was entertaining but at times outlandish, poorly written and plagued with bad acting and bad cinematography.  Part II takes away the "entertaining" and leaves you with poor writing, bad acting and bad cinematography.  The one highlight is that Ashley Bell gives a strong lead performance if you can look past the bad script she had to work with.  

Bottom Line:   Skip it.  

Sinister

Sinister (R) 2012

Directed by Scott Derrickson

Starring:  Ethan Hawke, Vincent D'Onofrio, James Ransone, Fred Dalton Thompson, Clare Foley, Juliet Rylance, Michael Hall D'Addario, Victoria Leigh and Nicholas King

Here We Go:  A true crime writer (Hawke) moves into the home of victims of a terrible murder with his family in order to investigate the crime for his next best seller.  The first 30+ minutes are slow torture with so many mundane details that it made me want to nod off.  Do I really need to see you put ice in your glass?  Does anyone?!  Other than that, yes, there were several moments when things built up and the anticipation was nail-biting, but then nada.  This entire movie was really just about trying to unravel this detailed plot that never really panned out.  

Bottom Line:  Skip it and watch Insidious...or just stare off blindly into space.

Hold Your Breath

Hold Your Breath (R) 2012

Directed by Jared Cohen

Starring:  Katrina Bowden, Randy Wayne, Erin Marie Hogan, Steve Hanks, Joshua Michael Allen, Brad Slaughter, Seth Cassell and Darin Cooper.

Here We Go:  A group of 20-somethings take a road trip and wind up being possessed by a killer who uses their bodies to do his dirty work.  This movie is just insulting.  I didn't even know that they made movies this bad anymore!  Maybe, MAYBE, you could throw this film a bone and say that they at least incorporated some classic horror movie elements, such as young adults, nudity, a creepy caretaker, and an abandoned prison.  Nah...take that bone and crush it with a hammer - this movie gets no bone!  It was just so painfully bad.  At one point (we could call this a spoiler alert, but I beg you to never watch this junk) someone is cut in half and their COMPUTERIZED LEGS fall over.  

Bottom Line:  Skip it...run away from it as fast as you can and never look back.

The Guilt Trip

The Guilt Trip (PG-13) 2012

Directed by Anne Fletcher

Starring:  Barbra Streisand, Seth Rogen, Adam Scott, Colin Hanks, Kathy Najimy, Nora Dunn, Ari Graynor and Casey Wilson

Here We Go:   Andy (Rogen) decides to take his overbearing mother, Joyce (Streisand), on a road trip while he promotes a cleaner that he invented.  In theory, this movie is supposed to be funny, and some parts were (thank you, Seth Rogan), but good grief this woman is annoying.  Annoying to the point where I felt nothing but anxiety for the first half of the movie.  I couldn't understand why this grown man didn't just change his number, pack up and move to another country.  If you can get past the pure torture that is this mother, you'll find some really funny moments, but I'm not really sure if making it to those moments is worth it.  Here's an idea, pop a xanax before tuning in and then maybe you'll be able to avoid the urge to claw at your face while Joyce attempts to seep into her son's life like a virus.

Bottom Line:  Skip it and opt for running your nails on a chalkboard instead. 

7 Below

7 Below (R) 2012

Directed by Kevin Carraway

Starring:  Ving Rhames, Luke Goss, Rebecca Da Costa, Val Kilmer, Brianna Lee Johnson, Matt Barr, and several other people who are likely embarrassed to be associated with this movie.

Here We Go:  Quite simply one of the worst movies ever made.  How did the production company convince Ving Rhames and Val Kilmer to take part in this movie?  They must have had some serious blackmail on them.  Even worse:  how did Ving Rhames and Val Kilmer, two legitimate Julliard trained actors, act so horribly in this movie?  It was like the script was so bad it undid all of their acting training and ability.  Val Kilmer says maybe a handful of lines in the entire movie and is so bad that at times it seems like he just needed a pay check to buy his next bottle of liquor so he showed up on set but didn't bother to bathe, learn the script or, you know, act.  At one point someone in the group is killed and everyone is more upset that another character got a bump on the head.  This theme of unrealistic and absurd reactions eventually just becomes ridiculously funny.  The bad script, bad acting and awful cinematography make this painful to get through.

Bottom Line:  Skip it!

The Master

The Master (2012) R

Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson

Starring: Joaquin Phoenix, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Amy Adams,Laura Dern, Ambyr Childers, Rami Malek, Jesse Plemons, Kevin J. O'Connor, Christopher Evan Welch, and Madisen Beaty

Here We Go: Joaquin Phoenix plays a degenerate sailor with nothing to do but drink himself to death. He meets up with a charismatic "genius," played by Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and the two immediately take to each other. This is should be a character study, but instead is an exercise in pretension. Phoenix's character is abrasive and crude, while Hoffman is by far the best part, as a charlatan who may or may not be based on Scientologist creator L. Ron Hubbard.

Bottom Line: Skip it, and watch one of P.T. Anderson's good flicks. Also NOT kid safe, random sex with sand, and bizarre old lady nudity for no reason.